General Stupidity and Major Nonsense
by spacegypsy1
Summary: A Jack and Vala friendship. Jack wants to teach Vala how to get Daniel and Vala wants to teach Jack how to get Sam. J/S and D/V shippiness. Over the top fluffy, sappy, and sexy. Rated T
1. Chapter 1

**General Stupidity and Major Nonsense**

Spacegypsy1

A Jack and Vala friendship. Jack wants to teach Vala how to get Daniel and Vala wants to teach Jack how to get Sam. J/S and D/V shippiness. Over the top fluffy, sappy, and sexy. Rated T

**CHAPTER ONE:**

"I wasn't the one who insisted on buying it. That was you!"

"Yeah, well, you were the one who said …whatever it was you said about it!" Jack took a quick scan of the crowd after his loud outburst.

"I told you it was something she wanted to buy for herself but she didn't think she should spend the money…too frivolous and all that."

After uncrossing his eyes from the blur of her hand waving wildly, Jack looked at the shopping bag dangling from his fingers. "Here, you carry it!" He handed the large pink bag to Vala. "Come on, I'm ready to get out of here."

"I'm not. I still have shopping to do, and you promised. I was so bored alone at the base."

"Not my fault. You should know better than to jump off cliffs. Lam will have my hide if she finds out you're here and I've got you thumping around on crutches in a mall."

"Hmph. General Landry knows where I am." Vala fluffed her hair and headed off holding the Victoria's Secret bag easily as she hobbled along on her crutches. "Come on, Jack. I want to get to that cute little store with all the hair clips!" She caught up with one of the Secret Services guys that had come along. "Here. You carry it." The bag went quickly into the man's hands. He didn't blink an eye. But then who could tell behind those dark glasses.

"I'll pay fifty bucks to the first one of you who can get her out of here in the next five minutes." Not a one of the three men said a word. "A hundred?"

**--**

Vala's brace-encased ankle was propped up on pillows on Jack's coffee table as she munched on chocolate-covered strawberries and drank Guinness...for breakfast. With a knowing grin, she listened to the sounds of tissue paper being rustled, as Jack, once again, was inspecting the gift he'd purchased for Sam.

"You need to go home." He told Vala for the umpteenth time.

"Not going to happen, darling. I'm not leaving here until Daniel gets back."

"Fine. I have to go to work."

"Fine. I have lots of movies."

"Suit yourself."

"Leave me your credit card." Another strawberry went down the hatch.

"What?" Jack stood behind the couch, eyes boring into the top of Vala's head.

"I need a credit card. I might want to go somewhere, buy something. Maybe food."

"I have food."

"I don't eat green, fuzzy food, Jack." Palm out, held over her head, she waited.

"I totally understand Daniel's frustrations with you." He dug his wallet out and reluctantly placed his credit card in her hand.

"He's totally adorable, isn't he?"

"Oh yeah, totally. Let Mick here know if you need anything else."

Turning to the man standing like a statue near Jack's door, Vala grinned. "Why are leaving him here?"

"Because Hank insisted."

"He's terribly difficult to seduce; believe me, I tried." At the unconcerned wave from Jack, Vala grinned. "Bye Jack. And let me know when you're coming to take me out to dinner."

**--**

Looking deceptively chaste in her upswept hairdo and modest cocktail dress, Vala downed her third Passion Fruit martini.

Jack wasn't the least bit concerned. Vala was well known for holding her liquor. "So, what's with you and Daniel?"

Eyes smiling, Vala dabbed at her lips with the linen napkin. "Girl talk, Jack? Shopping at Victoria's Secret? One might begin to wonder what's up with you and Daniel."

Completely immune to her sultry look and seductive tone, Jack reached across the table and speared the piece of steak she'd left untouched on her plate. "That old nag has been ridden to the grave, Vala. Quit avoiding the subject."

"Is this a business dinner? I thought we were friends. And is that very attractive young man over there one of your boys?"

"Probably." Jack didn't bother to look.

"You have a lot of those too, don't you?"

"You're hot property. Wouldn't want SG-1 skinning me alive if I lost you."

"Hot? You noticed?"

"Vala."

"Oh, alright. You're just about as much fun as Daniel. But you don't come close to being as sexy as he is."

"Thanks."

Vala pushed the remainder of her dinner around on her plate, pausing occasionally to spin the fork around in her fingers.

"What's wrong? Talking about Daniel got you down?"

Dropping the fork, Vala rested her chin on her fist. "I'm in love with him, and he thinks of me as a teammate…and occasionally a nuisance…okay, more than occasionally. And the really sad thing is that there is nothing I can do, short of using your little time machine to go back and fix it."

"Oh yeah, I'll bring it right over for ya, we can all take a ride to never-never land and fix all the things we want to. Yeah, good plan. Ever consider trying to talk to him…ya know, in a normal way?"

"I don't speak normal, not my language."

"Well, ya know…."

Her head jerked up. "Please - please don't give me the rhetoric about his past losses, all he's been through, what he's suffered. It doesn't make sense that he'd spurn my advances, he's all male. I'm just not his 'type', and I never will be. But, Mr. General in Charge of all things related to my employment, you need not worry it will affect my performance at my job, if that's what you're fishing for."

"You know why I agreed to you coming here?"

Smiling up at the waiter who delivered her triple chocolate dessert, Vala answered. "No. Why?"

Jack folded his arms on the table and leaned forward. "Because I think you're good for him. And I think he really cares for you…no, wait…I know it." Totally surprised by the tears that pooled in her eyes, Jack reached for her hand. "Okay, so he's a bit odd. Well, actually, more than a bit." He smiled at Vala's grin. "He's work-absorbed. I think he's been that way all his life. I can picture him as a little kid, hiding behind glasses and his nose in a book. I can picture him as that kid in those Harry Potter books, which I have never read, except maybe one, okay, two, and don't tell me what happens cause I don't have time to read right now. But anyway, I'm thinking we could, ya know, sort of work in tandem. Maybe I could help you show him that you really care."

Completely taken aback by his offer, Vala covered her mouth with a hand, more tears flooding her eyes.

"Ah, come on now, don't cry. What would the team think? Vala Mal Doran in tears!?" Jack motioned for the check.

The waiter delivered her crutches with the check and helped Vala up. When they reached the sidewalk Jack's 'boys' helped her into the car, then Jack nodded, sending them off.

As the car moved out away from the city, Vala turned to Jack, brows furrowed.

He answered her silent question. "We're going to Dulles. They're due back early."

"Why do you do that?"

"What? Go to airports?"

"No. Use excuses to go and see Samantha."

"This isn't about me and Carter."

"I beg to differ."

"Beg all you want to." Squirming in his seat, Jack looked ahead trying to ignore her.

"You're in love with her! I knew it! All that talk about me and Daniel and here you sit, looking like a…a person at Christmas."

"Kid."

"Oh, definitely a kid."

"A kid at Christmas, Vala."

"Exactly!"

"You're not making any sense."

"And you are?"

"I never make sense." With a confused shake of his head, Jack looked at the door handle, running one finger across its length.

"Ha! If we're going to work in your tandem, then you are going to have to cooperate. I say we help each other. Deal?"

Jack raised his eyes to the glass panel between them and the driver before turning and holding out his hand. "Deal."

Vala shook his hand, grinning deliriously.

**--**

Standing in the Gateroom, Jack ignored Dr. Lam's scowl when she brought in a chair for Vala as she waited for her team to arrive. Carolyn made a disagreeable sound before turning to leave. "What, no chair for me?" He called out in a hurt tone.

"Incoming wormhole." Walter announced, and Jack grinned at Vala. "That just never gets old. Incoming wormhole, where the hell else would you ever hear that?"

"Wormhole Xtreme?" Vala offered.

"You watch that crap?"

"You read Harry Potter?"

"Okay, here's the deal…" The iris opened and Jack shut up as he helped Vala to stand.

The ragged and exhausted looking team filed through the 'Gate. Sam's eyes lit on seeing Jack, and Daniel smiled at Vala. Mitchell was waving at General Landry in the control room, as the commander greeted them with his usual 'welcome back, SG-1', and Teal'c took in the scene of the couples engaging in silent communication.

"It is good to see you, O'Neill."

"Likewise, T."

"What are you two so dressed up for?" Mitchell handed off his P-90.

"Dinner. Jack took me to dinner in Washington."

Vala was still smiling as Daniel came up beside her. "Washington? I guess you're feeling better."

"Oh, I'm much better. Except Jack was cranky the entire time, I'd much rather listen to you – you're much cuter cranky then he will ever be." Vala's wide eyed expression and Cheshire-cat grin was wasted on Daniel who was looking at her foot. "Oh. That. Carolyn says the brace will be off in a day or two. You?"

"Exhausted. I'm going for my post-mission exam, a shower, the briefing, and bed." His hand went to her back in support as she walked beside him on her crutches.

"Oh." Disappointment was heavy in her tone.

"General." Sam greeted with a nod.

"Colonel. Let me know when you're done, I have a…I'd like to talk to…I want to give you something…well, just call me when you're done."

"Tonight? I'm so tired. Could it wait 'til morning, or are you leaving?"

"Nope. Tomorrow's fine." Jack looked up to see Vala looking back at him with a frustrated frown.

**--**

"As soon as Daniel heads for the showers, I'm going to follow him." Vala's hands waved around wildly, and the crutches nearly fell. "I could offer to scrub his back, wash his hair, dry him off…"

"See, that's your problem!" Grabbing the crutches, Jack set them straight. "Look, don't do anything but…"

"You've been chasing Samantha for eleven years and you want to give me advice! Really, Jack…we are such a lame excuse for finding potential partners. I need to coach you in how to move forward with your advances and you need to teach me how to pull back. Well, isn't that a revelation!? Come on to my room, darling, I think I have just the advice you need."

After all his years of black ops, near deaths, fighting all manner of baddies bent on world and/or galactic domination, multiple deaths and torture, Jack felt he was looking into the face of something much more horrifying. Vala Mal Doran and her bag of tricks. She had moved on while he stood in terror watching her operating her crutches with the efficiency of a replicator. Dare he? Did she in fact have the skills to help him accomplish his long lost goal? And did he truly think he had the skills to teach her how to be subtle, and calm, and not come on to Daniel like some flame-throwing hooker? Yep. This could work. Finally, he relented. "Okay. I'm all yours."


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO:**

Being privy to all information, Jack knew SG-1 had stayed on base last night. Restless, he'd left his VIP room early, grabbed a tray of food from the commissary and headed for Sam; his gift tucked inside his jacket, away from prying eyes.

Tapping on Sam's door with the back of one hand while balancing the laden try with the other, his mind toiled at the list of wacky ideas Vala had presented last night. He felt like he was starring in Freaky Friday, he channeling Vala and wondering how it was going with her channeling him.

xxxxxx

Staring straight ahead, totally absorbed in a litany of O'Neillism, Vala did yoga breaths through her nose. She was running behind her self-appointed schedule, not realizing how long it would take to actually find something other than BDU's that would be considered…well…appropriate morning attire. Hair was the first problem and after many attempts she pulled it back into a sleek, neat ponytail. No shiny clips, no tiara…she felt naked. Then shoes became an enormous issue. Her floor was littered with the debris of a shoe store bomb. She'd opted for a simple pair of low heeled pumps she'd never worn and had no idea why she'd bought them in the first place. Following that ordeal, Vala stood in the middle of her room in the sexiest underwear she could find, since, sadly, she was not allowed to 'show' any cleavage - but she could hide it under her clothes. If you wanted to call the plain, ordinary, never worn, high-waisted, unadorned denim jeans clothes. And, finally, the top. There was just no way to describe it. Well, one could call it sort of greenish, not a bad color really, but it had quarter length sleeves, and buttons and a collar. It was the most ghastly thing she owned – a gift from Samantha long ago.

Vala found herself standing in front of Daniel's quarters. She squared her shoulders, not pressing her breasts too forward, blinked her un-made-up eyes, licked her barely there lip gloss and, plastering on a sweet smile, she knocked.

xxxxxx

"Good Morning, gorgeous." _Well, hell, that sounded stupid. _Jack held the tray out in an offering. "Brought you breakfast."

"Ah…good morning, Sir." _Did he just call me gorgeous? My hair is in rats, no make-up, fuzzy slippers and pair of Daniel's old pajamas he was going to toss out…yeah, gorgeous. _She couldn't think of anything else to say as he stood indolently at her door.

Jack hiked the tray with a suggestive grin. Sam attempted a smile and asked for five minutes to get dressed. "You look great, Carter. I like you in fuzzy slippers. Our breakfast will be cold in five minutes." He moved around her and entered without an invitation to do so. Setting the tray on her table he stared at the wall. _Okay, hand on hip and pouting is NOT going to happen, so, what was next? Oh, yeah…I remember._

xxxxxx

Daniel opened the door in black T-shirt and blue BDU pants that accentuated his body in undeniable hunkiness. _Hmm, how does one NOT comment on that? What would Jack say?_ "Good morning, camper. I thought we might have breakfast. I need to go over that last tablet translation. I was thinking just now how confused I am, if it is from Greek origin, and since it was found near a temple to Roman gods, perhaps there was…what? Did I miss something else?"

He stared. Either she looked like a two-headed - instead of one-headed - alien, or Daniel had succumbed to some mental disorder.

"It's Sunday morning." He barely muttered in astonishment.

"Yeah, so it is. Look, Danny-boy, I don't have all day. Do you want my help or not?" Vala kept her face passive.

"It's Sunday morning."

"Why do you keep repeating yourself?" Accenting the question with a small shoulder shrug, she buried her hands in her pockets.

"Because every Sunday morning you have off, you sleep 'til three in the afternoon."

"1500 hours. Do you or do you not intend to work on the tablet?"

"I…I do. You want to help?"

"Well, of course dar… ahm, yeah. Sure. You bet ya. Get your notes and meet me in the commissary." It took a monumental effort not to toss her hair, leer suggestively or wiggle her six as she walked away.

--

Jack pulled the crumpled Victoria's Secret bag from inside his jacket. "I bought you something. It reminded me of you." He held out the bag, head tilted and eyebrows waggling.

Taking the gift Sam rooted around in the tissue paper while Jack poured coffee, preparing hers just the way she liked it, and placed the fruit, yogurt and cinnamon rolls on the table.

The unfiltered gasp behind him only made him grin wider. When he turned she had that 'doe eyes caught in runaway train headlights' look. "What? You don't like it?"

"Ah boy. I…I…what, I mean how, I mean why…" She held the full length, black, sheer negligee wadded in a fisted death grip.

He raised a shoulder, an eyebrow, and clinching his teeth he grinned. "It's just so you! Go ahead and try it on. I'll turn my back."

"Sir?" She squeaked out.

"Carter. Sam, call me Jack."

Sam took a step backwards and sat on the side of the bed. Staring awestruck at the filmy negligee, she whispered, "Sir?"

"What, you don't trust me? ME!? I'd never peek. Come on, breakfast is getting cold."

Wandering to the table as if in a trance, Sam looked down at the food. "It's supposed to be cold."

"Oh, well, so it is!" He pulled her chair out and with a sweep of his hand invited her to sit. "There. Isn't that better? Ya know Carter…Ah…I mean, you know Sam, you look exceptionally sexy this morning."

The left side of her hair was flat and the right side stuck upwards. The pajama pants were rolled at the waist to keep the hem off the floor, and the pajama shirt swallowed her up, coming nearly to her mid-thigh.

Jack took his seat, reached across and fluffed the left side of her hair. "There, much better. I thought maybe we could go to the mall later, have some cappuccinos, talk, maybe have a manicure. I have to get back to Washington tonight or no later than first thing in the morning. Whadda ya say? Sound like fun?"

xxxxxx

Daniel may as well have fallen into the Abyss of Chaos for all the work he'd accomplished this morning. Vala had worked diligently, cross-referencing and pointing out things she thought might be errors in his translations. Errors! She pointed out non-existent errors! Then she'd start acting all stupid, rattling on in innocuous sentences about not really understanding and what a bunch of nonsense the whole thing was. Then! Then she kept quiet. Quiet, for heaven's sakes! Not once had she sat on his desk, toyed with his artifacts – well, except the one time she tried to juggle - nearly knocking herself out. And she hadn't made any lewd comments...not once. She'd pointed to that picture of a naked Greek god; she just noted that his Roman counterpart's name looked oddly familiar before discounting her statement and saying the guy looked really weird without arms or a head, and how stupid was that. Holy buckets, she'd sounded like Jack.

And what the hell was she wearing? She looked like a soccer mom!

Vala slammed the large reference book closed. "Alright, I've had enough of this crap. I have things to do. Call me if you need me." She stood up, heading for the door.

"What? Huh?"

"For crying out loud, Daniel, call me if you need me. You know, cell phone, punch the numbers?" Vala wandered out whistling the theme to the Simpson's.

--

Sam nearly choked on the gooey sweet roll when she caught her reflection in the mirror. She took a quick peek behind her at the negligee she'd tossed on the bed. With a loud gulp, she blinked, flushed red and looked away. It had landed in a perfectly cascading arrangement that was suggestive to say the least. She turned back to Jack, avoiding her reflection as her eyes skimmed past the mirror. "Sir?"

"Jack."

"Jack. What's this all about?" She made a slight indication towards the object on the bed, then realizing where she pointed, she folded her hands in her lap.

"Us. Darling. You. Me. You know…" His eyebrows did that odd waggle so much like Vala's that Sam nearly squeaked.

Unable to dispel her confusion, Sam popped a peach slice into her mouth and tried to smile as she chewed.

"Look. We can skip the whole mall thing if you want to. We could opt for the no-tell motel." Jack looked at his watch. "I'll just go check things out, you get dressed and packed. And don't forget the present."

When the door closed behind him, Sam once again turned to the mirror. She had no idea who the hell stared back at her. There was a decidedly peculiar sort of dreamy smile on the face of the woman with hair a rebellion of puzzlement – eyes wide and bewildered – and a flush so deep it spotted the pale cheeks. Holy Hannah, what had gotten into Jack!?

--

Peeking around the doorway to Dr. Lee's lab, Jack spotted Vala happily reading away on Bill's computer. "So. How'd it go?"

Smiling giddily, Vala turned to him. She waved him in with her usual perkiness. Palms rubbing hard enough to start flames, Vala whispered. "Perfect! He's so confused and flatergasted. He's speechless."

"Flabbergasted."

"Yes. That he is. Oh, Jack, this is wonderful! I'm going to dress in that outfit you picked out and wander back down there in a bit. I've got him stewing now. How about you?"

Settling on a stool beside her, Jack shrugged his shoulders, "I think it went okay. It felt kinda weird, but I have to say she was blushing like a school girl."

"Did she agree to the…tryst?"

"I didn't give her a choice, as instructed."

"Now remember, she won't be packed when you go back. She'll be standing uselessly, not knowing what to do. Just grab the nightie, stuff it in your pocket…you brought the leather Jacket, right?"

He nodded.

"Good. Then take her hand, and then kiss her. But don't do that smacking little thing you do. Lay a good one on her. Full, open mouth, tongue and all! Got it?"

"Yeah. The whole thing? I mean…right there in her quarters. By her bed. I have to…ya know, do it up?"

"Absolutely. Then you want to whisper hotly in her ear, all those little bits I told you."

"For cryin' out loud, Vala! I can't say those things to her. What if she's in uniform?"

"Jack. Be strong. You can do it. This is what she wants. No more of your holding back and waiting for her to make a move. That's been the problem all along. Samantha is a girly kind of woman when it comes to romance. Just because she can plow down a regiment of aliens with a P-90 like she's brushing her hair, does not mean she doesn't want the good girl parts in romance. Now. You up for this?"

He looked incredulous at her.

"Oh my, bad choice of words. Are you prepared to take this all the way…wait, that's not right…"

"Enough! Got it. Really, really, got it now. And the geek, you ready to incite a rebellion against Artifact Daniel Disneyland?"

"Oh yes. I have the tickets to the new exhibit at the Museum. 'Artifacts and Antiquities – A Journey Through Egypt'." Vala sighed a little despondently.

"Ah, come on, buck up. He'll love it. It'll turn him on. Just remember to hold his hand and act enthused."

"I'll give it my best. I've been studying so I can blunder smartly-stupid when I ask him questions. Then I'm supposed to take him to dinner at that place two doors from his apartment, forget my purse, and have to go back to get it when he heads back here. Then I'm supposed to lose a shoe somehow, then make him find it. Then I'm to catch my skirt somewhere, hopefully in his car door, and rip it, then I'm supposed to spill a drink on me…oh wait, am I supposed to do that first? Well, anyway, we will have to go to his apartment and I will have to put on something of his. And THEN, gods willing, he will take it off of me!"

"Keep your head! Don't act like you're expecting it. And, somehow, you have got to act surprised when he starts with the whole taking the clothes off. Act shy. That I would give a case of Guinness to see! Try to stop him. And that I'd give up beer for a week to witness. But do it! Let him initiate it. 'kay?"

"Yes. But Jack. What if he doesn't do the remove my clothes thing?"

"Plan B."

"Oh, right. Set myself on fire?"

Jack laughed. "Not exactly. I think the spilling of massive amounts of water on shirt over naked flesh will do the trick. He's not immune to you, Vala. I've seen the looks. I know."

Biting her lip and smiling coyly, she thanked him for the comment with a nod.

"Alright. Show time. Call me later."

"What if you're busy?"

"I've been on enough missions with Carter to know she's a sleeper. I'll put the phone on vibrate."

"Grrrrr."


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER THREE Rated T! Slightly mature/not graphic. IF you don't want to go there, just suffice it to say, missions accomplished!**

Just as Vala had predicted, Sam stood in the middle of her room, dressed in her blue BDUs and stared blankly at Jack.

"I think street clothes would have been a better choice." He took her hand, hesitated to bolster his diminishing courage, then like John Wayne in 'The Quiet Man', he whipped her into his arms, and kissed her with eleven years of pent-up unresolved sexual tension. God, it was wonderful! He couldn't stop kissing her. He had to mumble the prescribed words into Sam's mouth, afraid if he stopped the mouth to mouth, she'd disappear in a puff of smoke.

Once begun, Jack went way beyond what Vala had suggested. Buttons flew like bullets as he jerked her jacket open, not wanting to stop for unbuttoning. Sam's arms locked around his neck, she arched into him and kissed him back with enough fever to power the Stargate. His hands were under her tank top, exploring her hot skin. His tongue danced with hers. Her hands were up in his hair, fingers like tiny electric conduits frying his brain. He must have said 'I love you' a hundred times. She'd said it back just as many. Like riding a bicycle, he found his ability to pop a bra clasp loose in the heat of passion, had come back with ease. Her moan was like weapons-grade Naquadah, exploding every cell in his body.

He didn't care if the door was locked, wide open or welded shut. This was going to happen, right here, right now.

Craftily, Sam had pushed his leather jacket down his arms and he flicked it off before gruffly snatching her tank top over her head. Hands burning across his flesh, she moved his shirt up, out of her way, then following his example she tore it open, unrepentant as the buttons shot out. Shirt still dangling from one wrist, Jack sent it flying, her bra wadded in it. Flesh to flesh they fell atop the bed.

Like a pair of cats trying to get out of a bag, they fought the rest of each other's clothes off and came together in such a heated coupling that the proverbial stars where dwarfed by the explosion of hundreds of suns.

When the calmness of the aftermath surrounded them, Jack chuckled.

"What?" Sam sighed against his neck.

"Nothing. I'll tell you later." Just before he started up again, he thought - how was he ever going to repay Vala?

--

Flustered was such an inadequate description of Daniel's current state. He was actually trembling inside…and outside. Vala, standing in front of him in his starched white shirt, without a hint of sexual innuendo, had his snug jeans extremely, uncomfortably tighter.

"Thank you, Daniel. I'm really sorry about all the mess I created. I don't know what got into me. I'll be right back. I need a glass of water. Wait here for me, will you?"

Innocent as a babe she walked away, naked legs and tops of her thighs screaming at him. Daniel swallowed, but never took his eyes off of her. She returned, the ridiculously large glass of water to her lips. She stopped just in front of him, her eyes raised to his, grinning. The glass tilted and she missed her mark. His mouth came open in a slow intake of shuddering breath. There she was, as good as stark naked, less than a foot in front of him.

"Oops, sorry." Her hand brushed at the fabric, with death inducing slowness, over her breasts and belly.

He snapped. Somehow, magically, ripping the shirt open, wrapping an arm around her waist and slamming her against his hard body. Like a jump into hyperspace, his kiss took her down a spiral of head-spinning intensity. She'd never expected such passion from him! Jack be damned! There was no way she could take this slowly, she would implode!

Her mind was a jumble of thoughts, but before she could decide what to do next, Daniel lifted her by her six, and brought her body up against his groin, holding her thighs around his waist. She was trying desperately to remove his clothes, but his hands were all over her body and she could not accomplish her task. "Daniel." She begged with a whimper.

He was growling. For gods sakes, the man was growling and she was nothing but putty in his hands. He controlled her expertly, sending her passion into a fireworks display, and she couldn't even manage to lift a finger. His mouth was all over her, and she realized she was completely naked on the floor. _God help me!_ His eyes, blue flames, raked her body, his hands trailing expertly after them.

She tried again, this time going for his belt. But he shoved her hands away, roughly, murmuring, "Uh uh."

She must have writhed on the floor for twenty minutes, having long ago closed her eyes. She dared not look for fear he'd be an apparition, flitting away like some ascended being. Then she felt his searing flesh against hers and she blinked up at him. His blue eyes were stark and held such tenderness, she felt the tears drain across her face. "God, I love you," he whispered hoarsely.

Hours later, cuddled in his bed, Vala stroked his cheek. "Daniel?"

"Hmm?" Sleepy, he barely hummed his reply.

"Did I tell you that I love you?"

"Um hmm."

"And, darling, did I tell you how much…"

"Shh, go to sleep, Vala."

"Yes, Daniel."

--

Sunrise had barely lit the sky when Jack felt the phone vibrate in his jacket pocket. "Vala?"

She was whispering, "Jack? How'd it go?"

"Perfect. Really, perfect."

"She's sleeping?"

"I left her sleeping like an angel. I'm on my way back to Washington."

"What!?" Vala paused, then whispered quietly, "What? You can't leave, that's, that's not romantic. You left her in some motel!?"

"We talked. It's fine, and, ah. No. We never made it out of her…"

"Oh my god, Jack! You're despicable." Vala giggled.

"And you? How'd it go?"

"Someone could have warned me. Ever make love to a maniacal, sex-starved octopus, Jack?"

"Can't say as I have. But please, spare me the details. My plane's waiting. Did he… ah say…?"

"Yes, Jack. He did. Thank you."

"You're welcome. And you said…"

"More liked screamed, darling."

"Ach! Enough, for cryin' out loud!"

"Love you," Vala grinned, stretching sleepily.

"Love you too." The words came in stereophonic rhapsody. Jack's with a friend's laughter and Daniel's with a lover's grumpy sleepiness.

END

A/N: Thanks childofspacegypsy1 for the title and idea. And MrsPollifax for the always wonderful beta.


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